I haven't been depressed enough to need to blog here in a while, but my friend Kira wins the prize.
Kira moved to the area about a year ago, and I've been doing my best to help her out with a variety of things. She & her husband have fertility issues and are finally pregnant, which thrills me no end.
I literally treat Kira like a sister. I adore her. I look up to her. I seriously think she's the cat's meow. She and her hubby have been a bit obsessive about buying EVERYTHING you could possibly need for a baby, and all in matched sets. I admit it made me jealous. She has these perfect layettes (one for boy, one for girl) including matching hats and socks for each and every outfit, and when my baby was born, I had to send my mom out to buy something for Baby to come home from the hospital in. I said something maybe a bit snarky about it - like you never know what you're really gonna need, and she got all upset. I thought we'd resolved it - I apologized, explained that I'm a tad jealous. I've basically not been allowed to buy Baby any clothes - she gets tons of hand-me-downs from extended family, and it's really not in our budget to buy new clothes when we have perfectly fine ones.
Anyway, Kira's hubby was talking about how they're all ready now - they have the crib and everything, and I made an (admittedly thoughtless) remark that I hope they don't have the baby now b/c it wouldn't be able to come home that fast. Somehow, he thought that I meant that the baby would die and they were stupid to buy a crib.
So Kira sent me this super-long email about how horrible a friend I am, and where does this all end, and she can't understand me.
I wrote her back that there's a misunderstanding, and I'm sorry she thinks I'm not happy for her. I'm very happy for her. I'm thrilled for her to have everything she wants. I'm looking forward to Baby being friends with her baby, etc.
And now I'm sitting here, feeling terribly guilty and miserable for something I didn't even do.
And, of course, Sister (the one I was born with) will almost inevitably take Kira's side, because she thinks that I'm obnoxious anyway.
I was feeling terribly lonely yesterday, and this just makes me feel lonelier yet.
My parents are away for the next month or so, and I really need my mom.
I'm pregnant (due Jan 9), so my emotions were out of control to begin with, especially b/c in the beginning, I thought it might be ectopic. Fortunately, now we've seen the little'un, and everything looks okay, so I'm feeling a little better about that.
But I have some paranoia issues, so I'm wondering if I'm going to be punished now with a miscarriage or something. A lot of people around me have had miscarriages, even multiple miscarriages, and even later than 13 weeks (where I am).
I just want my husband to come home now, but he has a job, ya know. And I gotta take care of Baby, and nobody's taking care of me, and dammit, I'm supposed to be an adult, but I don't feel like one at all.
I wish I could stop crying.
1 comment:
((((((((( TabbyCat )))))))))
It is okay to make mistakes. That was a lesson I had a very hard time learning and, quite honestly, continue to struggle with. I do not expect my son to be perfect, but I have spent most of my life expecting this from myself.
I would apologize to your friend again and tell her that your pregnancy hormones sometimes make you say things that come out the wrong way. I would tell her again how much you cherish her friendship and that you would never intentionally say something to hurt her.
After this, if she still pushes you away, then perhaps you might need to reconsider whether she really is the cat's meow. I know that you are both pregnant, which means that overreactions on both ends are bound to happen, but if she really cares about you, she will give you some leeway for making mistakes.
I have never been pregnant, but most of my friends have. My perception of pregnant women is that they are slightly "insane," and I factor that in whenever they say or do something that is hurtful or "crazy." In 99.9% of the cases, they really did not even realize that they said or did something "wrong." It truly is a misunderstanding.
Hang in there.
- Faith
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