For the past several months, I've found my husband... uninteresting. I love him. He is good to me. He takes care of our daughter incredibly well. He's been giving me lots of time to sleep, and didn't raise too many objections about putting our daughter in daycare. I think that as the pregnancy progresses, he's seeing more and more why it is actually better for her to be outside of the house during the day. Pregnancy puts a lot of strain on my system and tends to make me depressed and tired.
One of my escapes has always been fantasizing. I have some pretty kooky fantasies, probably related to some of my early experiences. Lately, though, I've been finding them very distasteful. So instead, I've turned to thinking about past relationships. Most of my past relationships were pretty messed up, but a few of the men I dated were actual good guys.
A few months ago, I went on a jag where I was completely obsessed with one of them, and I thought about him constantly. I finally called him one night. I went outside and sat under a bridge and cried to him for a while on the phone. After about thirty minutes of talking, he told me that he'd gotten married. I went on facebook and found his wife's page, looked at his wedding pictures, and that pretty much cleared my system.
Then I started fixating on another one. Joel is a man I dated when I was 18, when I was still a virgin, and when I still thought that virginity made a difference in life. He gave me every sign that he wanted to "do more" and I didn't even take the hints.
Instead, I tried to mold him, both in my mind and in reality, into the kid of man I would want to bring home and marry. He was 20 and not at all thinking of marriage, nor of the kind of religious values I had. Eventually, I gave him a gift that symbolized exactly that, and he looked at me sadly, and told me that it wasn't going to work. He cuddled me, kissed me, and told me he was sorry.
Less than 2 weeks later, something happened that changed me. I was out on a date, and despite repeated protests, the man hurt me. I really regret that Joel wasn't my first. I know that's kind of silly, but I feel that way. I've played out all the different scenarios of how I could have been with him, how I could be with him now. I found out where he lives a few years back- he's left the country, and I made contact with him. He clearly hasn't been thinking of me for the past 10+ years, and was only polite in his response to me.
I should be grateful. It's not like I could be with him even if he were interested. It's not like I would leave my husband and kid for someone I had a really nice month with forever ago.
Somehow I'm really bugged by the fact that he won't correspond with me (and feed my stupid fantasy.)
It's amazing how often I think of him... There are a lot of songs that remind me of him.
So here... songs that make me think of you:
Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet (Anyway, whatcha gonna do about it?)
Monty Python's The Life of Brian - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (life's a piece of shit, when you look at it)
Tracey Chapman - Baby, Can I Hold You Tonight?
Deep Blue Something - Breakfast at Tiffany's
Okay. It's written. Maybe now it'll be over?
