Good Times

I was going to start with my childhood memories of abuse, but this memory keeps coming at me. It's a good one, not abuse-related. I was eighteen, and I used to use IRC a lot. I had been dating this guy - we'll call him Quasi, cuz he reminds me of the Disney version of Quasimodo in the Hunchback of Notre Dame - yeah, that ugly - who was way older than I was, and I kind of didn't like him, but I was needy enough to stick with him. And then I started chatting with this guy Amos. We kinda chatted online for a while, and I gave him my phone number.



Amos was 20 or so. He was Australian, and his accent was the biggest turn-on. Plus he was brilliantly smart. I was still dating Quasi, but the first time I talked to Amos, we talked for 6 hours. We only hung up when his phone battery (cordless, not cell) ran out. Then he charged it for a minute to call me back and say good night.



It took a while of chatting with him before I finally got the guts to dump Quasi - there were a bazillion other factors involved. Eventually, I baited Quasi until he grabbed me and forced a kiss on me, and then I threw him out of my dorm room and told him to go to hell. (yeah, I was a sweet one.)



So back to Amos. I wanted to meet him, but I was in school, as was he, and we were both taking a pretty heavy courseload, plus our campuses were like a two hour drive apart.



Anyway, this thing came up and school was cancelled through the state for a day, so I called him and asked if he wanted to come hang with me. He said it'd be cooler if I come hang with him, cuz his roommate was out of town, so we'd have the place to ourselves.



Sounds like a dumbass decision to go up there, eh? I was still a virgin and had every intent of staying that way - though I'd gone pretty far before. Anyway, I went back and forth about it in my mind, told a friend where I was headed, and hopped a bus. This was back before I had a cell-phone, so I told Amos I'd call him when I got to the bus station. He said he'd borrow a car, and get me from there, cuz his campus isn't easily bus-accessible.



I accidentally hopped the wrong bus - it got to the right place, but took an hour detour to make a stop in some other little 2-bit towns. Anyway, but the time I got to the bus station, he was in total panic. I called him and he was like "oh my gosh, thank goodness you're ok" and all that. And then he picked me up in this crappy looking car that was kinda scary in and of itself. We went back to his dorm, and at first we were just talking. He gave me something to drink, and then I was teasing him about something, and I started tickling him. He tickled back at first, and then he grabbed some scotch tape and taped my hands together. It was a huge turn-on, not at all scary, he was giggling the whole time, and then I was on top of him, kissing him.

He kissed really amazingly, and pretty soon, he stopped to undo my hands, cuz they were in the way, and then he was lying on me kissing me. I guess you'd call it dry-humping, cuz his legs were between mine, and he was making my whole body respond. The funny thing was, I didn't even realize he had an erection. I felt something on my leg and assumed it was his belt buckle.

After a while, Amos tried to touch my breasts and I said "this is too fast for me" and he backed off. Then I went to the bathroom to change into pajamas. He snuggled in next to me and we slept together like that all night. The next day (which was our day off), he borrowed a car again, and he took me to this place not far away. There were these mountains there, and he took me up high so I could look down into the valley. The view was breathtaking, and we just stood there with our arms around each other. Later, he took me out for lunch, and I should have already gone back to school, but my first class was late the next morning, so I stayed over a second night. Again, we slept snuggled, but nothing "happened."

Cool thing about this timeframe - he was doing a project for a photography class. He picked a rose and took pictures, and then I played with the rose. I was kinda sad that he didn't want to take my picture. I wish he had. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt like it would make me more real, more permanent.

By this point, I'd really fallen for Amos. The next week, I had an early class and no afternoon class, so I jumped a bus. I went to visit him. He took me to a class of his. I had my hand in his through the whole class. He was kind of embarrassed but he liked it too.

It was this whole weird thing, b/c I had met a bunch of his buddies online, so they wanted to meet me. And then I'd posted a pic someplace with me and a rabbit, so one of the guys had asked me something about the rabbit, and I said it had died, and he laughed, and he felt really bad about it, so he showed up there with a rabbit. It was pretty bizarre, cuz the rabbit lived with my folks (who had moved in the meantime), and I couldn't really have a rabbit in the dorms. But this buddy of his had been chatting up a pal of mine at my school, so he wanted to meet her.

You gotta understand, my school is not into co-ed dorms, so we were kinda at a loss for where to sleep him. I asked my brother who had an apartment off campus, but he was about to get hitched so he was like - no way, I'm too freaked. I don't know why I didn't figure on that. Anyhow, I was like, okay so you can crash in the lounge in the guys' dorm, but he wasn't cool with that. My roommate was away, so I snuck him in, but like... I was totally into Amos - I wasn't gonna spend the night with his friend in a dorm, so I forced this other chick to crash with us. Plus we had a mouse problem, so no one was willing to crash on the floor, so we pulled the two beds together, and I slept between Chick and the wall, and Friend was on her other side, so I was all appropriate-like. (as if!)

So anyway, we shoved Friend off back to school, and things were pretty cool. A coupla days later, Amos sprained his ankle, so he couldn't come out to see me. I managed to find a bud who went to college with Amos and was heading back to my college town by car, so he picked up Amos and brought him to hang with me.

I was so into him. All I wanted was to mack on him. All very appropriate, fully clothed stuff. Chick and Roommate both showed up. All was well, we were dressed. Good stuff. I remember a lot of music with Amos. Especially Dire Straits "Romeo and Juliet" and some Paul Simon, and Simon and Garfunkel. Whenever I hear Romeo and Juliet, I still think about him.

Anyway, we got together a few more times. His dad met me once - he came to pick us up so we could go back to his place. That time, we slept in separate rooms, because I was feeling guilty about co-sleeping. His folks totally wouldn't have cared. I didn't meet his mom or sisters or anything. Just his dad. Apparently, his dad was impressed with me.

The next time we got together, he took me for a walk in the woods on his campus, and he broke up with me. He kept singing two songs that day. "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and Tracy Chapman's "Baby Can I Hold You Tonight." I was pretty messed up about that, but I was never mad at him. Just sad.

So why am I posting this? Why does this even warrant a blip on this radar? Because every time I hear any of those songs, I start missing him all over again. And also because the passion I had for him - it seems to be missing from my repertoire now. I love my husband. He's incredible. I'd give anything for him, but I don't feel that breathless desire to mack on him. And more than that, Amos has been showing up in my mind way too much. I swim, and sometimes, in the pool, I'm back with Amos, kissing him, loving him. Why? Why can't I give all of myself to my husband?